Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
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my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”