Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’