Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Jesus Christ lmao
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
#Caturday
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.