Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
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So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I finally found a reason to live again.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.