I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
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Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My dress code is business-casualty.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
The Friday File.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die