¯_(ツ)_/¯
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t