Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
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[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.