bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?