hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
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My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..