Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
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ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.