Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
#milo
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?