Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
You Might Also Like
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies