Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
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alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
We decided to have money instead of children.