Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
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Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
all bases covered
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs