Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
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There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
time machine? you mean a clock?
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches