If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
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I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day