4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
You Might Also Like
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost