Stop correcting my vodkabulary
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I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Put the is in disheveled
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn