me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
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Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
forgive me baja for i have blast
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
congratulations to them
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.