[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
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If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
ok this is my dumbest yet
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
🤣✨#caturday