What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
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Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Ugh but profoundly
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.