If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
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[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Meowchelangelo
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.