I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
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Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?