My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
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Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Ovenable?
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*