Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
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I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.