Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Guy who likes music
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My blood type is coffee.
Pat is about to own someone
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
me and my fake scenarios
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.