People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
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Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
We need more people like this.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place