Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
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Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
So, can we agree on 4 or
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
How do you like your Corgi?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”