This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
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I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!