hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
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You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island