Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
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When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*