Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
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My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
2022 will be better than 2021
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo