When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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Plumber: I think I found the problem
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?