LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
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My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”