Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
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I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie