I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
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As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.