Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
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50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest