[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
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Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.