Bread puns are on the rise!
You Might Also Like
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
The Onion called it…again.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God