Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
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My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
how much for the angry fruit?
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”