I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
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When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
This is a whole mood;
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now