In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
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Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…