– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
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Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows