People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
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Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Hell yeah 👍
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
My spirit animal is fried chicken
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.