That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
You Might Also Like
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”