Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
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I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
NASA has no chill
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.