I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
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What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Livid.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I have two kinds of followers
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.