HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
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MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.