I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
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Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut