[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
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Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!